My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Randomize
