Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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