I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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