i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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