I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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