you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was confusing and full of hummus
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
