Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i drank out of a bidet.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
