I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
