and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
