I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
