You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
