Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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