Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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