I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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