Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
