sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
this is an emotional support booty call
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
