i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
