Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
