seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
