I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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