dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
