after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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