You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
