My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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