32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
