guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
