Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
