Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
