when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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