Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
