She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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