I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
