Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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