According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
