I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
