Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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