We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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