i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
