A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
