i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
