The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
