1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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