The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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