Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
