You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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