I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
