trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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