soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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