just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
