kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
