He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
