I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
